I moved from one place to another and felt nothing. I’m trying to feel something for somewhere but I can’t seem to, maybe I’m cursed not to. I see faces, I hear names and stories, I listen and try to relate and understand, and I feel nothing. I’m trying to accept that everyone is a product of life, of their life, and the lives of people around them, yet I can’t relate. I try to accept that I’m probably not the only one that feels this way, yet I cant. I try to realize that humans can have different feelings of the same nature towards more than one person, yet my mind can’t wrap around that. I believed that deception was the only way that is possible, to have a circle of emotions pointing towards myself, maybe to fulfil a sort of belonging void that lives inside of me, and that proved to be a massive issue. It created a sort of complex inside of me, a vortex more than a void, that ate at me for the longest time, and when I let it out? When it broke out, realizing how disgusting and low I am? What did that create? A void within that void. I let out a curse that’s been leeched onto me for over a decade, and now it’s not there. It’s a relief, a blessing that it’s gone really, but it’s left more nothing inside.
I look at other people around me, they each have their own demons, and every single one lies, more to themselves than to others, over and over again till that lie became a truth. Eventually, that truth catches up to you, staring you in the eyes, burning through your soul minute after minute, second after second, every breath becoming a struggle, and for what, just so we can believe our own lies. You know, lying is a huge part of human nature, we tell our first lie when we’re less than 5 years old, are you ok they ask, and you lie, “yes”, when in fact, we’re not, and we never are ok from that point. Every single question is answered with somewhat a lie, or a twist of the truth, when asked how we are doing, or what we’re doing, or absolutely anything. What I’ve always doubted is not the truth, but any answer ever told or given. Anything I hear, by default, is either a lie or a twist of the truth, and I am a victim of my eviction, a hypocrite if I may go as far as to label myself selfishly. I don’t take pride in my hypocrisy, but I try to be as honest as possible, and when I feel like I shall lie? I take the initiative to bottle in, as I’ve done all my life.
I believe there is no right answer, no real truth, just a series of wrong questions. People tend to lie not only because it’s in our nature, but also because we’re never asked the right questions. There is a very thin line between the right and wrong question, a very thin and faint line, between hearing the truth that is, and the truth that we want to hear. I am convinced, very adamantly, that we avoid asking the right questions just as much as we avoid telling the real truth. One can never ask the right question if they are not aware of the real truth, but only ask the wrong questions to hear the answer they want to hear. Is a lie a bad thing if its purpose is to protect, or to impress, or to pretend that we are what we really are not, is a right question to ask. I know that everyone lies, big or small, white or black, everyone lies. To tell a truth from a lie is a matter of trust, and I don’t believe in trust. I believe in evidence, hard and solid evidence, but humans are weak. Innocent until proven guilty, loyal until proven cheated, honest until proven a liar, smart until proven stupid, but there is a continuation to such claims. Innocent until proven guilty, then one is guilty forever, proven a cheater, then always a cheated, always a liar, always stupid. Humans never give a second chance to change a first impression, and if they ever do give a second chance, it’s never to a better one. You will hear someone say “I never thought he would ever cheat on me”, but you will absolutely never hear someone say “I never though she would ever stop lying to me”. Hypocrisy in people is inevitable, lying is inevitable, we will all always and forever be lying hypocrites, in our own eyes, before the eyes of others, but yet another lie awaits, we will never admit the truth to ourselves.
“I am Weisel, You are Weisel, We are all Weisel, Yet no one is Weisel.”