I woke up crying

I woke up crying this morning but had no more tears to shed

Through years of struggle, and for what? For all of it to end

I woke up crying this morning because I had no doubt

That all the misery and suffering would give me my way out

No, I woke up crying this morning because I was mourning

I was in rage of what has become the key to destroy me

I didn’t wake up crying this morning because of you

But because of the miles between then and now

I woke up crying last night as well, and the day before that too

I lost my second half in a battle that, in the end, leads to no one but you

I will wake up crying again tomorrow, that I know for sure

Till when will I wake up crying, maybe after I embrace the loss of you

I woke up crying remembering that I will never stop loving you

That I will eventually have to learn to live without you

I woke up crying this morning because I tried to stop loving you

The fear of that made me breath heavy, I knew it would never come true

Will you wake up crying one morning, when all is lost and gone?

When I take my final stance, and prove the world that it was wrong?

We both woke up crying this morning, after all the years have passed

But what is lost, is now once gone, and we have our past to thank

Will it be back before we die, that I can’t be sure

But know one thing, my heart and soul, I will forever be true to you.

 

“I am Weisel, You are Weisel, We are all Weisel, Yet no one is Weisel.”

-iamweisel

 

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A new year, of some sort

So this year is done, with all its suffering and misery. This year is finally over, the year that carried many hard and shitty years before it. Everyone is hoping for a better year to come, for themselves and for the world they live in, for the world WE live in, but is that actually doable? Is it too hopeful to wish for a better year on this planet? Is it too much to ask for really?

Actually yes, it is too much to ask for. Sadly, there is way too much bad than good in the world we live in today, and that’s actually a shame. We’ve dug our heads too deep into the ground to realize that change is too difficult, almost impossible actually. We thrive to believing that “change comes from within”, or “change yourself to change your surroundings”, which might be the case in very particular scenarios, but it does not apply everywhere. There are still billions of people suffering daily, and if an individual changes their self, it really won’t make much of a difference.

Look, I’ve been told that I’m a pessimist, that I’m too dark and negative and cold, almost dead inside. That’s not true at all, I’m neither a pessimist or an optimist. I am a realist. I look at things in a very objective way, I look at facts and reality as it is, and a lot of people don’t like reality unfortunately. It is what it is, there’s no changing it, some things are just a fact of life. There must be evil for good to exist, there must be salt for sugar to be appreciated, and there must be rain for a rainbow to come forth.

What I’m trying to say is, no matter what happens, maybe the true point of all of this is just to have inner peace with facts, more than yourself. One can’t really be happy without inner peace, acceptance, embracing of the reality surrounding them, otherwise we live in a disgusting paradox where
your own happiness revolves around your surroundings, but your surroundings cause you no happiness. In the end, we just need to embrace reality. Walk into this new year as though nothing is different, as though nothing will change, cause that’s reality.

“I am Weisel, You are Weisel, We are all Weisel, Yet no one is Weisel.”

-iamweisel

Today, yet Tomorrow.

Today is the day that I almost rage quit from things, just walked away, for good, and didn’t look back.

Today is the day that I nearly took it all away, not from me, but from those around me.

Today is the day that I couldn’t handle it much longer, and it would have been so easier.

Today is the day that I finally accepted that that was so much better than this.

Today is the day that I just can not tolerate anyone or anything around me, and I’d rather just not be.

Today is the day that I feel so overwhelmed with everything, and no one seems to understand my pain.

Today is the day that I just feel like the walls of life are closing in on me faster than ever.

Today is the day that I, for once, have accepted that what I have is a curse, more than it is a gift.

Today is that day, that kind of day, that I realize, I have one more day to go..

“I am Weisel, You are Weisel, We are all Weisel, Yet no one is Weisel.”

-iamweisel

 

The Dark Side

There are things that I don’t dare say out loud, things that could completely be misunderstood or misinterpreted. We live in a reality where we are constantly on a mission to improve ourselves in life, move up the ranks of society, get a better pay, better job, more and bigger and better everything. Do you ever stop for a moment and ask yourself, “What’s the point”? What’s the point of working so hard and stressing over everything to become more of yourself? There’s a side of life that, once seen, can’t be unseen, can’t be forgotten, can’t be unthought-of anymore. The side that reminds you that death is inevitable, the end of everything is inevitable. “It’s what you do with your life that matters” they say, yea well I call bullshit my friend. The truth of the matter is, what you do with it simply defines your surrounding conditions and situation when you actually and eventually die.

No one wants to admit that death is real. Everyone is scared of the day and way they die that they do everything in life to avoid facing reality. We go out to get better careers, better jobs, more money, bigger house and fancier car, then a better insurance policy to ensure a swift and healthy life, a better life, a more successful life, life life life life life… that’s all you hear people talking about, fucking life. What about death? Who talks about death? The only people that actually talk about death are those that have accepted that reality that, sooner or later, we die. Sooner or later, the things we love will leave, and die. In the end, nothing really matters because the one thing we fear the most, is the most real thing in the world. Death is real, just as much as life is real.

There are two sides of the equation, either you live your life to the fullest because death is inevitable, or you accept that death is inevitable and you don’t bother with life. The truth of the matter is that both are absolutely valid, and are literally a thin line apart. I personally am really close to not seeing a point anymore, I almost don’t care anymore. I do not encourage people to think and feel the way I do, because it is exhausting and tiring, and even overwhelming. It’s a weight and burden that I carry around day after day, forcing myself to get out of bed daily, forcing myself to smile and interact with society because that’s what “normality” requires of me. It is a heavy burden to endure, and an even heavier thought to process. In the end, it’s all a game called life, and there is no particular game play, just a series of choices that we each make that changes our current situation. Sadly and realistically though, all these games end with a simple, yes simple, “Game Over”, and there is no “Try Again” button.

“I am Weisel, You are Weisel, We are all Weisel, Yet no one is Weisel.”

-iamweisel

 

Mia Culpa

I moved from one place to another and felt nothing. I’m trying to feel something for somewhere but I can’t seem to, maybe I’m cursed not to. I see faces, I hear names and stories, I listen and try to relate and understand, and I feel nothing. I’m trying to accept that everyone is a product of life, of their life, and the lives of people around them, yet I can’t relate. I try to accept that I’m probably not the only one that feels this way, yet I cant. I try to realize that humans can have different feelings of the same nature towards more than one person, yet my mind can’t wrap around that. I believed that deception was the only way that is possible, to have a circle of emotions pointing towards myself, maybe to fulfil a sort of belonging void that lives inside of me, and that proved to be a massive issue. It created a sort of complex inside of me, a vortex more than a void, that ate at me for the longest time, and when I let it out? When it broke out, realizing how disgusting and low I am? What did that create? A void within that void. I let out a curse that’s been leeched onto me for over a decade, and now it’s not there. It’s a relief, a blessing that it’s gone really, but it’s left more nothing inside.

I look at other people around me, they each have their own demons, and every single one lies, more to themselves than to others, over and over again till that lie became a truth. Eventually, that truth catches up to you, staring you in the eyes, burning through your soul minute after minute, second after second, every breath becoming a struggle, and for what, just so we can believe our own lies. You know, lying is a huge part of human nature, we tell our first lie when we’re less than 5 years old, are you ok they ask, and you lie, “yes”, when in fact, we’re not, and we never are ok from that point. Every single question is answered with somewhat a lie, or a twist of the truth, when asked how we are doing, or what we’re doing, or absolutely anything. What I’ve always doubted is not the truth, but any answer ever told or given. Anything I hear, by default, is either a lie or a twist of the truth, and I am a victim of my eviction, a hypocrite if I may go as far as to label myself selfishly. I don’t take pride in my hypocrisy, but I try to be as honest as possible, and when I feel like I shall lie? I take the initiative to bottle in, as I’ve done all my life.

I believe there is no right answer, no real truth, just a series of wrong questions. People tend to lie not only because it’s in our nature, but also because we’re never asked the right questions. There is a very thin line between the right and wrong question, a very thin and faint line, between hearing the truth that is, and the truth that we want to hear. I am convinced, very adamantly, that we avoid asking the right questions just as much as we avoid telling the real truth. One can never ask the right question if they are not aware of the real truth, but only ask the wrong questions to hear the answer they want to hear. Is a lie a bad thing if its purpose is to protect, or to impress, or to pretend that we are what we really are not, is a right question to ask. I know that everyone lies, big or small, white or black, everyone lies. To tell a truth from a lie is a matter of trust, and I don’t believe in trust. I believe in evidence, hard and solid evidence, but humans are weak. Innocent until proven guilty, loyal until proven cheated, honest until proven a liar, smart until proven stupid, but there is a continuation to such claims. Innocent until proven guilty, then one is guilty forever, proven a cheater, then always a cheated, always a liar, always stupid. Humans never give a second chance to change a first impression, and if they ever do give a second chance, it’s never to a better one. You will hear someone say “I never thought he would ever cheat on me”, but you will absolutely never hear someone say “I never though she would ever stop lying to me”. Hypocrisy in people is inevitable, lying is inevitable, we will all always and forever be lying hypocrites, in our own eyes, before the eyes of others, but yet another lie awaits, we will never admit the truth to ourselves.

“I am Weisel, You are Weisel, We are all Weisel, Yet no one is Weisel.”

-iamweisel

The Yellow Duckling

I am tired. My mind never sleeps and it never rests, I spend all day thinking and wondering about the stupidest and biggest things. “I could put a pink elephant with green polka dots on it, and you would only notice that there’s a fly on its side” my friend use to always tell me, which, in a way or another, is actually true.

I am tired. I have had a really long day over and over again, it’s just really exhausting when you never get proper sleep at night, and you are up all day trying to figure out what comes next in life. It’s a struggle to have a mind that won’t shut the fuck up, even when you’re sleeping. I wish it would just stop for a bit.

I am tired. My heart is really displaced everywhere, between family, friends, lost loved ones, career, and life in general. There is a different type of love that you present to different kinds of people, it’s not really easy to keep up sometimes. Sometimes you mix up one for the other and end up messing things up.

I am tired. You see, I struggle with the concept of a higher power, not that I don’t have faith in one, but that I wonder why things happen and for what reason. “Everything happens for a reason”, ok then, give me a reason for this or that, find me any logic in all the bad, ugly and disturbing things that happen in this wretched excuse of a world we live in.

I am really tired. It’s tough to be a type of person that no one understands and that no one can identify with. I’ve tried to explain myself so many times to people around me, and I realized that there’s no point, there are something inside that are best left inside.

I am exhausted. I’ve lost my breath trying to say and do things that people will understand, appreciate, or even leave me alone for. Just to go to waste. It’s tiring being the yellow duckling.

Who am I without you?

Everyday is a struggle for everyone. Sometimes some days are easier than others, and some days are just really difficult to handle. We all have that one person we fall back on to remind us of who we are and what we are, and what our worth is, but sometimes that person is no longer in our lives. What happens then? What is someones self worth without perspective? I had that one person in my life and now they are gone, maybe gone forever, maybe gone for now, but it does not change the fact that this is probably one of the most difficult moments in my life. lets refer to the other person as K. K was around my life for the past 9 years, always supporting me in my time of need, always there for me when I needed someone, and always bringing out the best in me, until recent years. It had nothing to do with growing apart, or lack of communication, even though we lived in different geographic locations, no, it was bigger than that. K was growing into someone I knew nothing about, and so was I. We both became different people yet somehow managed to be the same people towards each other, but even then, we both knew something was not right..

I tried to level with K, I tried to accept that people change, and that I change too, that we are all a result of our experiences, and that each of us was living completely different experiences and being shaped and molded on life’s hands differently, but it was too much to handle and take in. K became almost the complete opposite of what was once an innocent, loving, caring and warm person. Lets not ignore that K had a very hard childhood and a very tough upbringing, without going into details. K suffered from many issues, none of which I wasn’t aware of or accepted, but I suppose that K didn’t accept these issues for me. K loved me too much to accept for me to be with someone like that, and encouraged me to leave so many times, which I was against. I believed that even in the worst situations there was a way to work things out, I believed that even in the darkest pit in the world, there is always a shred of light that one can fall back on and use for warmth and guidance, but realistically, I was not free of charge either.

I made my fair deal of mistakes along the way, I turned against my morals and beliefs of what is right, what is wrong, and what I truly stand for in a relationship. I made promises I once believed I could keep, but only time proved otherwise. I couldn’t keep these promises not because I wasn’t up for them, but simply because I could have not anticipated the level of change one can go to from their own experiences. K changed drastically, and I could not keep up. It hurt and burned my soul and ripped at my heart to see the one person I love and care about have to go through what K did. K, in the end, was my meaning and true purpose in life, and there was nothing I wouldn’t do to make K happy, even if it had to be us breaking up, for now, or forever. I was willing to take a hit, a shock if I may dare say, simply because I love K.

Today, I stand a broken, damaged human being with very little ambition and motivation. I seek the day where K is ready to be with me again, but as every day passes, I feel like that is less likely to happen. Maybe I was the issue all along, maybe I was the poison to K’s hurting that needed to be taken away, maybe I was the reason for K’s suffering all these years…

They say that everything has a breaking point, I don’t know what mine is, and I sure as hell don’t know what K’s is, but I do know one thing, only time will tell, and we’re running out of time.

I am Weisel, You are Weisel, We are all Weisel, Yet no one is Weisel.”

-iamweisel