Everyday is a struggle for everyone. Sometimes some days are easier than others, and some days are just really difficult to handle. We all have that one person we fall back on to remind us of who we are and what we are, and what our worth is, but sometimes that person is no longer in our lives. What happens then? What is someones self worth without perspective? I had that one person in my life and now they are gone, maybe gone forever, maybe gone for now, but it does not change the fact that this is probably one of the most difficult moments in my life. lets refer to the other person as K. K was around my life for the past 9 years, always supporting me in my time of need, always there for me when I needed someone, and always bringing out the best in me, until recent years. It had nothing to do with growing apart, or lack of communication, even though we lived in different geographic locations, no, it was bigger than that. K was growing into someone I knew nothing about, and so was I. We both became different people yet somehow managed to be the same people towards each other, but even then, we both knew something was not right..
I tried to level with K, I tried to accept that people change, and that I change too, that we are all a result of our experiences, and that each of us was living completely different experiences and being shaped and molded on life’s hands differently, but it was too much to handle and take in. K became almost the complete opposite of what was once an innocent, loving, caring and warm person. Lets not ignore that K had a very hard childhood and a very tough upbringing, without going into details. K suffered from many issues, none of which I wasn’t aware of or accepted, but I suppose that K didn’t accept these issues for me. K loved me too much to accept for me to be with someone like that, and encouraged me to leave so many times, which I was against. I believed that even in the worst situations there was a way to work things out, I believed that even in the darkest pit in the world, there is always a shred of light that one can fall back on and use for warmth and guidance, but realistically, I was not free of charge either.
I made my fair deal of mistakes along the way, I turned against my morals and beliefs of what is right, what is wrong, and what I truly stand for in a relationship. I made promises I once believed I could keep, but only time proved otherwise. I couldn’t keep these promises not because I wasn’t up for them, but simply because I could have not anticipated the level of change one can go to from their own experiences. K changed drastically, and I could not keep up. It hurt and burned my soul and ripped at my heart to see the one person I love and care about have to go through what K did. K, in the end, was my meaning and true purpose in life, and there was nothing I wouldn’t do to make K happy, even if it had to be us breaking up, for now, or forever. I was willing to take a hit, a shock if I may dare say, simply because I love K.
Today, I stand a broken, damaged human being with very little ambition and motivation. I seek the day where K is ready to be with me again, but as every day passes, I feel like that is less likely to happen. Maybe I was the issue all along, maybe I was the poison to K’s hurting that needed to be taken away, maybe I was the reason for K’s suffering all these years…
They say that everything has a breaking point, I don’t know what mine is, and I sure as hell don’t know what K’s is, but I do know one thing, only time will tell, and we’re running out of time.
“I am Weisel, You are Weisel, We are all Weisel, Yet no one is Weisel.”